Conflict resolution starts with being able to keep yourself calm. I tell my patients that you can know everything there is to know about good communication, and this won’t matter one bit in the heat of an argument unless you can keep yourself calm enough to think clearly, and consciously choose to communicate in a healthy way. If you don’t keep yourself calm during a fight, your knowledge about conflict resolution, and your ability to apply it, will go right out the window.
Biologically speaking, keeping your calm means keeping the thinking parts of your brain on-line so you can apply your knowledge about healthy communication. When the emotional brain takes over, it becomes hard to think and utilize conflict resolution skills, because the blood flow decreases in the thinking parts of the brain and increases in the emotional parts of your brain. When the emotional brain is in the driver’s seat and the thinking part of the brain is off-line, you enter into the survival mode of fight, flight, or freeze. Your brain then interprets the conflict with your partner as threatening in some way, or a matter of life and death. If you are in this state in the midst of an argument you are more likely to do or say something that pains your partner, damages your relationship, and that you later regret. For example, in this state you are more likely to project your issues onto your partner, be co-dependent, blame, attack, be defensive, or criticize instead of taking appropriate responsibility for your experience. This is why keeping your calm is so crucial to prevent conflict from escalating.
There are a number of ways to keep yourself calm in the midst of conflict with your partner. One of the best places to start is your physiology. Basic bodily acts such as breathing and heart rate are connected to the emotional parts of the brain via the reptilian brain, and therefore serve as a direct doorway to calming down when you are overwhelmed. Focusing on your breathing through helpful soothing breathing techniques is one such way to directly access and regulate your emotional brain so that you can stay calm and think clearly. Mindfully pay attention to your breathing in whatever way works for you so you stay as relaxed, grounded, and centered as possible.
One breathing technique you can try is abdominal breathing. For this, place one hand on your chest, and your other hand on your belly. Take a breath in and out and notice which hand rises and falls. If you notice the hand on your chest rising and falling you are chest breathing, which is associated with emotional arousal and tension. If you notice the hand on your belly rising and falling you are abdominally breathing, which is associated with low emotional arousal and relaxation. If you are chest breathing, focus on sending your breath down into your belly until it expands, and the hand on your tummy rises and falls with each in-breath and out-breath. As you exhale you can slowly say something like, “I relax.” If you are already abdominally breathing attempt to increase the depth by also sending your breath down into your belly so it expands more and more. As you exhale you can also slowly say something like, “I relax.” When you get used to this breathing exercise you can do it without directing placing your hands on your chest and belly. Practice this daily so it becomes second nature, and feels like a part of who you are.
Another way to keep yourself calm in the midst of a disagreement with your partner is to be aware of what you’re feeling. As the misunderstanding is taking place, identify what emotions you are feeling. Label them as best as you can internally. You can do this by inwardly asking yourself, “What am I feeling?” You can then answer the question with “I feel____________,” and then fill in the blank with feeling words such as angry, sad, abandoned, afraid, disappointed, hurt, unloved, unheard, distrustful, and so on. The labeling helps to engage the thinking parts of the brain to keep it active and alert. Labeling also creates a subtle distance between you and your emotions so that they consume you less. The more you can mindfully tolerate and manage the distress of feeling uncomfortable feelings without acting on them, the calmer and more present you will be, and the more likely you will be able to engage in conflict resolution and healthy communication.
You can even go a step further after labeling your feelings to internally validating them during the conflict with self-talk statements that are accepting, non-judgmental, and compassionate. For example, you could perform an act of loving-kindness for yourself by saying something internally like, “It’s okay that I’m having the feelings that I’m having. All my feelings are okay. Every last one of them.” When your partner can’t listen and validate your experience in the moment, then it helps to ease your negative feelings if you can internally provide the supportive listening, empathy, and validation by being there for yourself.
In addition to labeling your feelings and validating them, you can apply the old adage “know thyself”. By this I mean that it will be harder to keep yourself calm during a fight if you have blind spots, and don’t know what your unhealed wounds are from the past that you bring to your relationships that get triggered by your partner. This is the deeper inner work of keeping your calm during a conflict. If you can make a connection to what’s happening for you mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally during a fight to your past, you then can know that what’s happening isn’t all about your relationship with your partner. Ultimately, it’s also about you. By separating your past from your present, you can then anchor the hurt you are experiencing in the moment to where it also belongs, which is in the past instead of projecting it onto your partner. Through self-talk statements you can orient yourself to the present. Internally remind yourself that your partner isn’t anybody from your past. The only person that can be someone from your past is that individual himself or herself whether it is your father, mother, brother, sister, abuser, friend, or ex. Nobody can ever be anybody else, even if they have similarities. Everyone is uniquely themself. Likewise, no moment can ever be any other moment, even if there are parallels between what is happening in the present moment and moments in your past. Every moment is unique.
These are just some examples of strategies that you can use to keep yourself calm during a fight with your partner. It is true that applying these strategies is much easier said than done. I can personally attest to this. The reality is that developing the ability to have a healthy rupture and repair process takes practice and commitment like honing any skill. But, with enough time, patience, and effort you can begin to see improvement in how you communicate and resolve conflict with your partner. And you and your relationship will be the better for it!
Read Marram Plapp’s Couples Therapy page to learn about communication and conflict resolution in relationships.