Sex is complicated. It’s complicated enough when things are going well in the bedroom. But, it becomes even more complicated when things aren’t working in the bedroom. You are probably in a situation where sex has taken an unfavorable turn if you feel the spark or passion in your relationship is gone, the sex is routine, you are not having the sex you want, or you have lost your sexual confidence. Maybe you are struggling with low sexual desire, achieving and maintaining erections, premature or delayed ejaculation, orgasm, painful sex, an affair, porn addiction, a fetish, sexual orientation, gender identity, polyamory, or another sexual issue. Whatever your sexual problem or dissatisfaction is, let’s talk about it. Let’s get your sex life back on track!
Getting your sex life back means we work together to improve your sexual functioning and the quality of your sex life, and increase your sexual relationship satisfaction. If erectile dysfunction is getting in the way we get the blood flowing again so you become aroused, and achieve and maintain your erections. If low sexual desire is the hurdle we light and fan the fire of your sexual desire so you feel the feeling of wanting sex. If sexual pain is the obstacle we relieve you from this pain so that you can actually enjoy sex instead of fear it. If climaxing is the block we unlock the blissful experience of orgasm for you. Whatever the sexual problem is we work together to heal and resolve it.
In helping you get your sex life back I want you to know that you are not alone. Sexual issues are common. The majority of people will experience sexual problems at some point in their life.
I also want you to know that I understand how difficult it can be to talk about sex, and that you may need help with this. Of all the issues for which people seek therapy, sexual problems are some of the most sensitive to talk about. This is in part because sex is still taboo. It is also because feelings like rejection, shame, inadequacy, disappointment, and frustration can be felt so much more acutely with sexual problems. It is also because people want to spare their partner’s feelings, and don’t want to hurt them. It is also because sex is simply one of the most intimate, vulnerable, personal experiences you can have, and so it can also be one of the most intimate, vulnerable, personal parts of your life that you can open up about with another. Even though talking about sex can be awkward and daunting for these reasons, I can help make it easier for you.
I also want you to know I understand that the stress of your life may be interfering with sex. Being busy and having limited time are widespread issues that plague most of us. We can struggle on a daily basis to juggle the different responsibilities, roles, and aspects of our lives. Far too often, sex is one area that gets neglected. Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you feel you have too much to do so you think you don’t have time for sex. Maybe you think sex is not as important as everything else on your to do list. Maybe you are too tired to have sex from all the demands on your time and energy. I can help you address being stressed, busy, and having no time for sex. I can help you prioritize sex again so you no longer miss out on this pleasurable aspect of life.
To get your sex life back on track I use a bio-psycho-social framework to assess and consider the factors that may be contributing to your sexual issues and concerns. Using a bio-psycho-social framework provides a comprehensive understanding of your sexual problems, guides treatment, and produces the best results. Depending upon your situation I may refer you to a specialist such as a gynecologist or urologist to diagnose or rule out medical conditions playing a role in your sexual functioning, and tailor treatment accordingly. I also frequently assign ongoing structured homework assignments that are sexual in nature as this is instrumental to effective sex therapy. In our sessions together we may focus on the following:
- Reducing performance anxiety
- Reducing anticipatory anxiety
- Reducing spectatoring
- Redefining your definition and paradigm of what sex is
- Redefining your definition and paradigm of what is good sex
- Improving your communication about sex
- Increasing sexual assertiveness by asking for what you need
- Increasing the understanding of your own sexual needs, and the sexual needs of your partner for cultivating desire, arousal, and orgasm.
- Increasing your knowledge of your sexual likes and dislikes, and the sexual likes and dislikes of your partner. In other words what turns you on and off, and what turns your partner on and off.
- Addressing and adapting to the normal effects of the aging process on sexuality
- Addressing and adapting to the effects of chronic illness and medical conditions on sexuality
- Negative sexual messages and past experiences
- Body-image
- Sexual attraction
- Sexual Identity
- Desire discrepancies and sexual frequency
- Identifying your couple sexual style
- Identifying your sexual pathway preferences
- Prioritizing and making time for sex
- Spicing up your sex life
- Sexual myths
- Sexual education
- And more
Sex therapy can take place in individual or couple format. We meet one-on-one or in a triad in person on a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly basis. For the best outcome I recommend integrating individual therapy for couples, and couples therapy for individuals when possible.
Mindful Sex
As a sex therapist I frequently find that an absence of presence during sex to varying degrees underlies common sexual problems. One of the ways I help individuals and couples overcome their sexual issues and increase their sexual presence and pleasure is to help them have sex mindfully. Having mindful sex means applying the core practice of mindfulness during your sexual experience by noticing and being curious, accepting, and non-judgmental about what’s happening moment to moment.
Based on the meditative principle “where you put your concentration energy follows”, we work together to help you mindfully focus on aspects of your sexual experience that support and nourish your desire, arousal, orgasm, relaxation, pleasure, intimacy, and connection. This means we also work together to mindfully shift your focus away from aspects of your sexual experience that distract, interfere, and disrupt.
Through having mindful sex you move from a place of being stuck in your head to moving down into your heart and body, and having sex from a more embodied place. Through having mindful sex you also move away from a future and past oriented place of doing, achieving, performing, comparing, reacting, and goal setting to a place of being, and not needing to be anywhere else sexually than where you are in the moment.